Diaries of the Heavy Hearted
by Jazzmatazz30
Summary: "Then he said something I never thought he could. 'I love you'. Three little words had my mind doing somersaults, and I had three words for him too. 'No you don't.'"...Rated T for language.
1. Fire

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Unfortunate, but true.  
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><p>March 25, 2023<p>

Dear Diary,

I don't know why I thought he'd treat many any differently than the others, but a girl can dream right? When they say love hurts they aren't kidding; and having the audacity to believe I was an exception to that rule was pretty stupid. Confused? Understandable; let me clear it up for you.

I wasn't a complete idiot. I knew his game, but I was playing a game too; or at least I thought I was. Scorpius Malfoy needed to be taught a lesson and who better than the bold, brazen Lily Potter, to teach it. It was too easy to catch his eye. A few hair flips here, a mistaken brush of his fingers there; in no time he was asking me to Hogsmead on the weekends.

It was too easy to say no; at first. But in my defense, "at first" lasted for about two months, so it wasn't a complete fail. It wasn't a fail at all actually. He was going mad with the rejection, and that was what I had wanted him to feel. Hurt, confused, disposable- just like he had done to all his former "acquaintances".

He had tried everything in his book to get me to say yes. At first he tried the whole nice boy act, and then when that didn't work he went for the bad boy act. After the fifth no I received lilies, which I told him I hated. Backwards, right? Lily hates Lilies. I much prefer roses, and Rose fancies lilies. Anyway, I was all for finishing this once and for all when he said something I never thought he could.

"I love you."

Three simple words had my mind doing somersaults. And I had three words for him too.

"No you don't."

Spoiler alert: He didn't. I _knew_ he didn't. But the way his face fell, and his shoulders slumped in defeat at my words was enough to break the cruelest witch. He may not love me, but he felt something. I had the upper hand that I wanted, but it didn't feel good. It felt wrong, and I didn't understand how he could do that to girls day in and day out. Then I did something that I know I shouldn't have. I told him he had one date to prove to me that he wasn't a heartless, egotistical, slimy son of a ferret. His face lit up instantly as he told me I wouldn't be disappointed. I wasn't. He didn't just take me to Madam Puddifoot's like Lysander Scamander or any other guy would have. We went to a little creek near the forbidden forest and it was serene, and calm, and so not Scorpius Malfoy.

He let me in that day. He told me about his childhood and how he was never really loved. His grandmother was cold, his father busy, and his mother distant, so his house elves were the only form of consistency he ever knew. He told me about his fears, hopes and dreams and I told him mine. It was all very Romeo and Juliet. Then we kissed, and that was it. I was all in. But it wasn't just a kiss, it felt like we were connecting, spiritually, if that makes any sense to you. I think I knew then that I loved him, but I wasn't going to say it. I still had somewhat of a guard up at this point. Of course we had to stay quiet about it, but I didn't want to deal with the schools reaction anyway.

It was fun in the beginning. Stolen glances in the Great Hall, sneaking around the library, ducking my brothers and cousins, and meeting at odd hours of night. It seemed real. Dating the son of your father's ex-enemy was the perfect setting for a beautiful disaster, or a Kate Hudson movie.

I thought about him constantly, and I even hung out with him and his friends. Granted, his best friends are my brother and cousin, but still. Rose and Al got suspicious of me and why I was hanging around so much, but after evading the questions for a while they dropped it. We had been together for 4 months when I decided I was ready. I, Lily Potter, lost my virginity to Scorpius Malfoy, and it was perfect. Everything about us was perfect until I decided to tell him I loved him. That's where everything really went wrong.

I had finally had enough of being Scorpius' secret fling; I was ready to confess to him and the entire world that I was in love with him. So here I am, walking through the Gryffindor common room with my head held high. Scorpius wasn't with Rose or Al, so I figured he had to be in his room. I marched up the stairs in full "romantic comedy leading lady" mode. I swung open the door only to find Scorpius straddling some slut.

But wait, it wasn't just any slut. It was _my _slut of a cousin, Dominique Weasley. Just my fucking luck. What did she, Gryffindor's 7th year princess, want with a 6th year or a Malfoy anyway?

"For fuck's sake Lily, close the door." Dom shouted.

"How about I close the door when you learn to close your legs you disgusting little rat." And with that I walked away, leaving the door open just as I had promised. He was a bastard. Pulling me in like that and making me feel like we had something special when he didn't even give two shits about me. They didn't call him 'Scor the Whore' for nothing.

To make matters worse, he acted like nothing had even happened. He started dating Dominique and they were Hogwarts' new "it' couple. Seeing them together made me want to throw up. Knowing that I had wasted something so precious on someone so callous was sickening.

Of course I cornered him the first chance I could and made a complete ass of myself. I asked how he could do that to me and if I'd meant anything at all to him. All he did was give me that stupid smirk and say that weren't really even together in the first place. He made it very clear that I was a mistake. His exact words being, "This thing with you was a mistake." Ha, it was most definitely _my _mistake. Oh yeah, and of course he had to add, "I don't love you. If it makes you feel better I don't love Dom either." I wonder how much he didn't love it when I punched him square in his fucking jaw. James would have been very proud.

I may have cried a little. Ok, maybe for two days. But that was it. I am never going to shed a tear for Scorpius Malfoy ever again. So take it from me diary; love sucks and you shouldn't waste your time trying to change people. Scorpius Malfoy wanted to teach me a lesson. Lesson learned. If you fight fire with fire, you get burned.

Honestly I feel bad for him. Yes I got burned, but burns can be healed. He has to live with what he's done forever. Only forgiveness heals guilt, and he won't be getting that from me.

Love (pfft),

Lily Luna

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><p><strong>What do you think? It's just something that popped into my head.<strong>

**-Jazz**


	2. Cheaters

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Harry Potter and I never will :-(  
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><p>March 30, 2023<p>

Dear Diary,

I fucked up. Literally. I was in the process of telling Dominique Weasley we could no longer fool around when she jumped me. What kind of man would I be if I denied the girl, so I figured we'd do it one last time, and then I could be with Lily. We were almost done when none other than Lily Potter came barging through my door. All I could do was watch in silence as the two girls tossed around a few venomous words. Next thing I know Lily's storming out of room and left the door wide open.

My first instinct was to go after her, but what would say, "Hey Lily, that wasn't what you think it was" or "It was an accident". Not going to work with Lily. She wasn't like the other girls that fell for my bullshit lines or swooned at my trademark smirk; and that's why I love her. Not one moment of our time together had been easy. First she comes out of nowhere flirting with me, but then when I tried to ask her out she shut me down. Yes, she shut me down. More than once. I even bought her some of the most expensive lilies my house elf could find, only to learn that she hated lilies.

I was at the end of my rope when I asked her that last time. I don't know what made me say it but I told her I loved her. Being the prideful and smart girl she was, she hit me back with a "no you don't" as if it should have been really obvious. Part of me was glad, for her sake that she didn't believe me, but another part of me wished she would. After all that I had done, who would ever believe that I loved them? I was a dick.

Apparently Lily saw that, because she agreed to let me take her on a date. She gave me a chance, which is more than anyone had ever given me before. Bella Zabini gave me a good blow every now and then, but this was the first time anyone ever gave me a chance to prove myself to them. And for the first time in my life I wanted to make a good impression, otherwise I had done all this work for nothing. I remember a few years ago when she went on her first date with Lysander Scamander. Rose had spent hours helping her get ready and for the first time she didn't look like Al's little sister. She looked amazing and Scamander had barely even noticed. He took her to Madam Puddifoot's, and any guy with a brain could see Lily wasn't the type for such a cheesy place.

When Scamander broke up with her for Matilda Nott, I was there with Albus and James to beat the shit out of him. She never knew that part of me had always cared for her. At the time I thought it was because we'd known each other for so long, but when I took her to that creek for our date I realized it was because she was truly an amazing girl. I poured my heart out to her like a little school girl, and she did the same. Even before I kissed her I knew it would be amazing; I wasn't wrong.

As crazy as it sounds, I think we were bonded through that kiss. It felt like my heart had been taken from my chest and placed into her hands. I loved Lily Potter; for real. It seemed real; it _was _real. For the next few weeks we did the whole secret relationship thing. Sneaking around, ducking Al, it was kind of fun even though it reeked of a bad Kate Hudson movie. Lily was cool, fun, smart, witty, and complicated. She was perfect. And when we made love that first time I knew that was it. I was going to marry Lily Potter. That's when I decided to be a one-woman man.

Yes, I was still sleeping with other girls up to this point because like I said, I was a dick. I can't tell you how many girls cried when I told them we couldn't be together anymore. Bella actually tried to hex my balls off. She missed, but I have a nice sized bruise on my thigh proving that she tried. After about 3 or 4 weeks I only had one more person to "break up" with. Dominique Weasley, who is basically me in female form, was not going to be an easy one. I should have known things weren't going to go smoothly when she asked to meet me in my room.

It started off great, until I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. Then she flipped her shit. Apparently "no one breaks up with Dominique Weasley" and "I should be no less than honored to have had her". Then I made the very terrible mistake of telling her she wasn't that great in bed anyway. She _loved_ that. She attacked me with her lips, then one thing led to another and we were going at it like rabbits. I could tell then how deeply I felt for Lily.

With Dom it was all about getting it over with. I could care less whether or not she enjoyed herself, I just wanted to be done with her. When Lily and I were together it meant something. It was slow, and sweet and passionate, and thinking about it now is doing some awful things to my lower body. When we were finished she would look at me with the most loving expression, but neither of us ever said it. It was kind of like it didn't really need to be said because we both felt it. Though I'm sure she didn't feel it now. The look on her face when she found me with her cousin was not mad like Dom, or upset like Bella, but she was disappointed. It was like she knew I would hurt her eventually, and that alone killed me.

When Lily walked out of the room she took my heart with her. I can admit that I was close to tears as Dom continued to grind and move against me like she could care less that her cousin was hurt. But then again, Dom had no idea Lily and I were together. For the next week or so I was a wreck. Rose and Al wanted to send me to Madam Pomfrey to be looked at but I wouldn't let them or tell them what was wrong. If I told Al what I had done to his little sister he would kill me, and I'd probably let him. I had a plan to get her back though, and it was truly a great plan until Dom ruined it just like she'd ruined my relationship with Lily. Ok, I had ruined that, but Dom had helped.

There was no way Lily would ever forgive me now because Dominique Weasley was pregnant; with my child. It was at that moment that I knew I didn't deserve Lily. We were fire and ice, right and wrong, good and evil- and I wouldn't let Lily waste her life on a guy like me. Out of respect for Dominique we became an official couple, so it wouldn't look as bad when people found out about the pregnancy (and because my mother made me, "At least this Weasley's blonde" she'd said). I tried avoiding her for as long as I could, but Lily Potter is not one to be avoided. She caught me on my own one day and cornered me. I knew that this would be the last time we ever spoke, and I hated that I would never get to tell her how I feel. I wanted her to know that I loved her, but it would be easier for her if I just pretended I didn't care. She may be hurt for a while, but a good guy who deserved her love would pick up the pieces and give her the happiness I'll never be able to.

She looked beautiful as she yelled at me and bombarded me with questions like "how could you cheat on me?" and "Did I mean nothing to you?". She means the world to me, but all I did was stare back with my usual asshole smirk. I told her she shouldn't be so hurt because we were never really together in the first place, and I took a deep breath (that sounded more like a bored sigh) before telling the biggest lie I've ever told in my life.

"Listen Lily, this whole thing was a mistake. I don't love you." I assure you it was harder to say than to hear. I figured I'd lied enough, so adding a truth couldn't hurt. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't love Dom either." Well, adding a truth could hurt, because she punched me square in the jaw. I could have sworn I saw her cry before she turned on her heel and left me there to wallow in my misery.

After that life was abysmal. I couldn't eat, sleep, laugh, or cry without thinking about my Lily. But she wasn't mine and she never would be. I welcomed the depression for two reasons: one, because I deserved it, and two, because it let me know that I wasn't a cold, heartless prat like everyone thought. I was capable of love.

Lily Potter wanted to teach me a lesson. Lesson learned. Cheaters never win. It hurts to see her in the halls laughing with friends or flirting with other guys. She acts as if nothing had ever happened and that was both good and bad. Bad because despite what I had told her, our time together was real for me, but good because Lily deserved to be happy. She was strong and she would get over it; because that's the way Lily was. She would certainly never forgive me and I will have to live with what I've done for the rest of my life. I played with fire and got burned.

With regret,

SM

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><p><strong>So that's it! I hope you guys liked it :-)<strong>

**-Jazz**


	3. Sorry

**Hey! So I decided to continue writing this story because I've enjoyed writing it and it helps with writers' block for my other story, The Ties That Bind. I'll be updating as regularly as possible with school and everything. Enjoy!**

**-Jazz**

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><p>September 24, 2023<p>

Dear Diary,

You should never ask yourself "Could I get any more (insert fancy adjective)?" because 99.99% of the time the answer is yes. Could I get any more slutty? Yes. Could I get any more pathetic? Yes. Could I be any more sorry? Yes. I don't know why I did it; why I told Scorpius I was pregnant with his child. Maybe it was wishful thinking, or maybe I really am just a horrible person. You decide.

Scorpius and I had been having casual sex since I was a 5th year. We were the same person. Blonde, cocky, selfish- it really worked. It was like I had all the pretenses of a boyfriend minus the monogamy and worrying and all the other crap that came with them. I was well aware that Scor was sleeping with other girls, but that never really bothered me…before. It wasn't until a year later -when he set his sights on a feisty little 5th year with mockingly red hair- that I even thought of him as more than a fuck and Scorpius thought no one knew about their little fling, but they were wrong. It was obvious he had it bad for my baby cousin, and I'd be damned if he picked her over me. So I did what any hormone crazed teenage girl would do; I told him I was pregnant. Ok, so maybe that isn't your everyday lie, but I didn't know what else to do at the time.

After Lily had walked in on him 'trying' to say good bye to me, he turned into a zombie. It was obvious that he was mad about her. I mean come on, she's Lily freaking Potter, and everyone loves her. That, I have never understood. Lily was like some kind of science experiment. It was as if her parents had taken all the good qualities out of all of them and had a perfect daughter made especially for them. She had Ginny's hair and spunk, Harry's eyes and bravery, George's sense of humor, Hermione's brains, and my mother's grace. Lily Potter could do no wrong and that pissed me off.

Everything I did was wrong or bad…or let's just say people never had amazing things to say about me. I was pretty, but I had no self-esteem; smart, but I never put it to good use; sweet, but selfish; ambitious, but not motivated. The list goes on and on. So yes, I was jealous of her. I still am, but can you blame me? Even throughout my relationship with Scorpius (that his mother forced him into) Lily was always popping up in our conversations. 'What kind of flowers for the wedding?' _Lilies._ 'Where should we live?' _Lily Avenue._ 'What should we name our daughter?' _How about Lily?_ It was sickening.

I couldn't even have my daughter to myself. Worst of all I felt guilty. I had to bring Scorpius to The Burrow to introduce him to the family and it was the worst five hours of my short life. No one had really taken to him; especially not my father, and somehow he ended up sitting between Lily and I. The tension was thick in the room and only the three of us truly knew why. I was nervous and Scorpius was quiet, but Lily was just fine. She was kind both Scorpius and I and pretended that nothing ever happened, which only made me feel worse.

I had tried talking to her after dinner, but she wasn't having it. She only wished me good luck on my internship with the Ministry and told Scorpius she'd see him on the train for Hogwarts. On the way back to his house he completely broke down. He was yelling about how his life was ruined and he might as well kill himself because he had no reason for living. I held him while he cried because we both needed someone. I wasn't used to feeling alone, and he had been alone his whole life. I figured we weren't together under the most blissful circumstances, but at least we had each other. I told him I loved because it felt like I should; just to let him know we were in this together. He calmed down instantly and looked at me with disgust in his eyes before speaking.

"Don't ever say that to me again. This isn't love."

"Why? Because I'm not Lily?" I asked. He looked like he wanted to slap me for saying her name.

"No, because we don't love each other. If you weren't pregnant I wouldn't be here and you'd be off fucking the next person you see." He sneered. _That _pissed me off. How dare he speak to me like I was less than him for getting pregnant; as if I was the only whore in this situation.

"Fuck you Malfoy."

"You already have." He said with no emotion. It killed me that he could be so blasé about the whole situation. I was ready to be done with him, but I knew I couldn't really. Unless I wanted everyone to find out that I was a slut and a liar. It felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, so I did what anyone with troubles would. I owled Victoire. We planned to meet up at her and Teddy's loft for lunch, which was fine because I hadn't seen my nephew for a while. Their son, Remus Alexander Lupin, was the light of Vic's life. I couldn't wait to have that with my baby; someone to love unconditionally that would love me back. I didn't even get two feet in the door before she figured me out.

"You're pregnant." How I thought I could get this past her, I don't know. Of course she was disappointed, like any goody-two shoes would be, but she said that now that I had graduated Hogwarts and was of age, I was responsible enough to handle the situation. She set up an appointment with a proper healer and promised to be there for me every step of the way. It felt good to know that someone would be there for me.

Things were going pretty well between Scorpius and I until we got into another heated argument. This time it was me vs. him and his grandmother about the name of the baby. They were set on my baby's last name being Malfoy but I did not want that name associated with my child. Firslty, because it was a lie, and secondly because it just wasn't right. After calling Narcissa an old, worn out frigid bitch, he dragged me away to 'have a word'. I expected him to yell at me, but he didn't.

He told me that he loved our baby, and that she was the only thing he could probably ever love again. He said he didn't even deserve this love but he wanted it so badly. He just wanted to have someone that would love him; just like I did. We were more alike than either of us liked to admit. It was at that point, knowing he felt the way I felt, that I felt like I was doing something wrong. I couldn't take the emotions spreading over me in that second. I hadn't felt anything in such a long time that it hurt. My heart ached for him and for what I was about to do to him.

"Her last name can't be Malfoy." I said one last time, hoping he caught the finality in my voice. He practically dropped to his knees when he asked me why not. "Because…she's a Zabini."

I don't know what I expected him to do. Maybe hex me or yell? I don't know, but all he did was stare. He just looked me in my eyes for at least 10 minutes, as if he would find the answers to his problems in them. I told him I was sorry over and over again but I got nothing. A single tear rolled down his eye before he apparated away, leaving me standing there alone inside Malfoy Manor.

I felt awful about everything that happened. I had ruined both of our lives and there was no way of fixing either. He would hate me, and most likely all women; unless Lily somehow took him back which was definitely unlikely. I would be left raising a baby alone, because Marcello Zabini had threatened to kill me if I ever tried to claim the baby was his. I didn't care though. I would swear on my life that I had no idea who the father was before I confessed to having any ties to Marcello Zabini. No one would be surprised if I didn't know, they'd just say it was inevitable with my behavior.

I haven't seen or heard from Scorpius since that day I told him the truth. He was back at Hogwarts, so it wasn't likely that I'd run into him again unless Al invited him over for Christmas, which I could just avoid. I'm too much of a coward to ever face him. I will never, ever forgive myself for what I did, but I won't spend my life regretting anything. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. I have made my share of bad judgments in my life but I'm not going to punish myself for them. I will learn from the mistakes I made and someday I will be a better person.

It's best for me to just be on my own for a while. Maybe I'll fall in love or get a cool job or do something life-changing. I will love and care for my daughter endlessly and later, when the time is right I will apologize to Lily and Scorpius. I don't want either to think that I don't mean it, or that I'm playing some kind of game. Hopefully they'll find it in their hearts to forgive me, but like my father used to always say 'Saying sorry doesn't mean there isn't guilt, and forgiving doesn't mean the pain is gone'.

Signed,

Dominique


	4. Running

August 31, 2023

Dear Diary,

When I said I would not shed another tear for Scorpius Malfoy I wasn't kidding. Life had to go on- I had to move on- or it would have driven me crazy. For the rest of the year I continued going to classes, hanging out with friends, and doing things the way I would if nothing was wrong. The problem with pretending there's nothing wrong is that no matter how many birthday parties you go to, or Quidditch matches you win, there's still something wrong waiting for you when you're done ignoring it. I just couldn't figure out what the problem was.

I mean, I knew what had happened, but I didn't understand why _I _was feeling bad about it. I hadn't done anything wrong and yet I didn't feel right. When I was little and would tell my dad I was upset or had a problem, we would always go for a run. I never understood why, but I figured it couldn't hurt now. Maybe running would lead me to an answer or something. So I ran and ran, but all I felt was tired. I mean, Hogwarts' grounds are no joke, and then some areas are so creepy that you have to run to get of there as soon as possible. But overall, it hadn't really helped much.

Every time I see Scorpius it's like the wind is knocked out of me and my legs go all wobbly- and then I see Dom standing by his side. He was still the most handsome guy I'd ever met, but he started acting really weird around me. I didn't know what he was playing at, but the least he could do was act like he wasn't so unhappy to see me. Things got so uncomfortable for me towards the end of year that for the first time ever I _wanted _to leave Hogwarts. I welcomed the summer with open arms and couldn't wait to get the hell away from school.

The chances that I would see Scorpius over the summer were slim; so I thought. I had made it through the entire break without hearing a word from or about Scorpius, and Dom and I had never talked much anyway so I just tended to avoid her at family functions. My dad told me that she got an internship in the Ministry with the Department of Mysteries, which came as a shock to me because I thought you had to pass at least one NEWT to get those kinds of internships.

I was _two_ freaking weeks away from having a Scorpius free summer when Al announced at dinner that Scorpius would be coming to our family brunch that Sunday. Luckily James protested too, so it didn't seem that strange when I did. Al caught it though. As far as he knew I had never expressed any negative feelings toward Scorpius, and even hung out with them from time to time. When he came in my room that night asking me what happened I told him to drop it.

"Lily. He's my best friend, but I know how he is. If he hurt you in any way you would tell me right?" he asked.

People always said that Al looked like our father, but this was the first time that I saw him that way. In the way that you feel bad when you lie because they trust you completely. I couldn't tell him what happened though. Firstly, because it was embarrassing, and secondly, because I didn't want to be the reason that they ended their friendship. The third reason, and the reason I hated the most, was Scorpius. My brothers would kill him and I didn't want to see him hurt. I may not love him, but I did care about him; even though he had never returned the favor.

That whole day of the family brunch I was wreck. I was jumpy, irritable, and frustrated for no reason at all. I decided to calm my nerves by putting a lot of focus into my make-up. I got so wrapped up in perfecting my smoky eye that I jumped a little when James yelled for me to come down so we could leave. I pranced down the stairs and was all smiles until I saw a blonde amidst three black sitting on the couch.

"What's he doing here?" I asked, trying to sound more curious than surprised.

"Scor's going to dinner with us remember?" Al asked skeptically, "That's not going to be a problem is it?" I had a really big feeling that Al knew what was going on, but I had to keep up the façade for my sake.

"Course not. Are we taking the floo?" I asked.

"No, we're driving." my dad answered. Personally I love the feeling of being in cars, but in this case I would rather be shot in the ass.

"Oh, well we won't fit in one car, I'll ride with mum." I offered.

"Don't worry Lil; it's just the five of us. Your mum flooed over a while ago to help cook." I had half a mind to ask if I could drive myself, but I didn't want to sound like a brat, so I decided to suck it up. James-like the overgrown baby he was- had to sit in the front, leaving Al, Scorpius and I wedged in the back. I, of course, had to sit in the middle because my legs are shortest. Needless to say, the 20 minute ride felt like it lasted 20 hours. The whole time our legs were touching, and I could smell his cologne every time he turned his head. I was practically sitting in his lap when my dad made a wide right turn. "Don't you just love cars Scorpius?" my dad joked. I know I shouldn't have said anything, but the Ginny in me came out.

"Oh no dad, Scor doesn't love cars." I said sweetly, "but he doesn't love anything if that makes you feel better."

Thankfully Scorpius laughed at his words from last year, so it seemed less bitchy. If Al hadn't known about us before, he definitely knew about us now. He was tapping his foot in that 'I'm really pissed and I can't stand still' way and looked out of the window for the remainder of the ride. I chanced a look at Scorpius, and for the first time in a long time I saw some emotion there. It was probably just embarrassment, but it was something. When we got to The Burrow I made a mad dash from the car inside, only to see the very last person I wanted to.

She was sat on the couch alone with her perfect blonde hair, perfect make-up, and perfect outfit. That's one thing I never understood about Dom; if she wasn't such a rotten, cold-hearted whore, she would have been… well perfect. She and I used to be really close. We were fun-loving, adventurous, and sassy, but Dom went to Hogwarts and everything went downhill from there. By the time I got to Hogwarts with her she had turned into a completely different person. She was mean, distant, and always acted like I was trying to steal her spotlight or something. And now, she was dating Scor; so there's that.

I would've walked straight past her and not said a word, but she heard me and looked up. She stood up quickly, and I thought she was coming straight toward me, but she ran right past and greeted Scorpius. I know it's not my place to judge, but they didn't look like the happiest couple in the world. He looked annoyed, and she looked worried, and I looked like a stalker, so I decided to speak.

"Dominique, I haven't seen you since I walked in on you in a spread eagle being straddled by my boyfriend." Ok, so maybe I didn't say that, but I was sure as hell thinking it. What I really said was more like: "Dominique, it's been too long! We'll have to catch up, but I'm starved; let's eat!"

She looked really shocked that I had spoken to her at all, but followed me into the kitchen nonetheless. My family had already filled the majority of the seats, but there were four open right next to each other. Of course Al sat next to Louis, then requested that Dom sit next to him, leaving two seats open for Scorpius and I. Luckily I had 20 minutes of practice sitting next to him uncomfortably so it wasn't that bad. I was actually really comfortable with my family around. We joked and laughed and ate until we couldn't anymore, and I was having a really good time except for Dom and Scor. But I wasn't jealous; I felt bad.

I didn't know the ins and outs of whatever they had going on, but whatever they had shouldn't be ignored. Nobody in the family had even acknowledged their relationship, and they both just sat there quietly, blending into the background. I decided me acting like a brat wouldn't help the situation, so I was just going to be the bigger person and let it go. After we were done eating, everyone sat around and relaxed for a while before it was time to leave.

Of course as I was walking out to the car I tripped and landed in the arms of none other than Scorpius Malfoy. I looked into his eyes for the first time in what felt like forever and he asked me if I was ok. I know that was all he said, but I feel like he meant more. It was like he wanted to know if I was ok with everything that had happened between us. The honest answer was no, but I was so distracted by the familiarity of his arms that I nodded yes and smiled to answer his question. He smiled back at me and my heart felt like it was beating a mile a minute. It was so weird how we could communicate just by looking at each other, but we were interrupted by Al, who had a flustered Dom following behind him.

"Lily, can we talk?" she asked.

"Ummm, I'd love to but I can't. Congrats on your internship at the Ministry though, you'll do great!" I responded quickly. "Al, Scor, ready to go?"

"Actually he's leaving with me." She said shyly.

"Oh ok, see you on the train then. Bye Dom!" I said, barely hanging on to my 'everything's ok' act. When I got home that night I could have literally passed out from exhaustion. Lying to yourself is exhausting! I would have loved to take a run to clear my head, but I just didn't have the strength.

"Care to explain what's going on with you and Scorpius?" Al asked, barging in to my room without knocking. I shook my head 'no' hoping that'd be enough to get him off my back. "Fine. But just remember, the longer you run away from your problems the later you have to deal with them."

Damn it, he was right. There is a problem and I can't just keep running from it; literally or metaphorically. I need to come to terms with my problem and stop denying it. My problem: I harbor some kind of feelings for Scorpius Malfoy, who doesn't love me or my cousin that he is currently dating. Whether the feelings are positive or negative, I'm not sure; but does it even really matter?

Fuck my life.

Love (or something close to it),

Lily


	5. Nothing

August 31, 2023

Dear Diary,

I have nothing.

Lily hates me, and I may not be in the position to care whether or not she hates me, but I do. Lily's my biggest problem, but she definitely isn't the only one. There's another girl that has caused me a good amount of pain in a different way. Lily would never intentionally harm anyone, but Dominique…she inflicted a special kind of pain. I get that I messed up, but I don't think I'd done anything worse than Dom 'DD' Weasley ever had. So why fuck me over? Beats me, but it happened.

I had already had my heart crushed. Fine. I was convinced that things could only get better and they did. I found out that I was going to have a daughter with Dominique. Shockingly enough, I was happy. It was like someone had given me a chance to prove that I had a purpose in life. She told me the baby was a girl, and it was everything I could have ever hoped for.

I may not have been the best person, but I was sure as hell going to make sure that my daughter had every opportunity to be the most remarkable person on the planet. I'd give her everything and raise her with trust and love, so that when she got older she could trust and love. A method my parents had clearly abandoned. Although there were many positives, there about twice as many negatives.

One, my life was over. Two, I'd probably have to get a job. Three, I would more than likely have to leave all my friends behind. Four, my mother was insisting on Dom and I getting married. Five, and worst of all, was that I had to share a life with Dominique. Don't get me wrong, she's not the worst person in the world (I guess), but she just wasn't my idea of a wife or mother. Dom wasn't warm or compassionate or selfless, and my mother was neither of those things so I'm pretty sure those are qualities a good mother should have.

She was pretty, and I wouldn't hate having sex with her, but it would all be a lie. Hadn't we done enough lying in the past few months? Marriage and love and passion were not things you were supposed to take lightly and she seemed perfectly content to live a lie for the rest of her life, and I couldn't respect her for that. Yes, I would go along with this for my daughter's sake, but I would not pretend to 'love' her at all. Call me an asshole if you want, but I've been called worse. I'd just rather not get her hopes up that anything good could come from us being together. She and my mother really thought we should tell the world, but something told me it just wasn't right. I begged to put it off until I went back to school and they reluctantly agreed under the condition that I meet the family. The Weasley's that is.

Lucky for me I knew all of them already, considering the majority of them were Gryffindors. Teddy; Sent me to detention numerous times. Victoire; ratted me out to Teddy all the time. Lucy; hates me. James; hates me. Louis; he never bothered me and I don't bother him. Al; my best friend. Rose; my next best friend and the reason Al and I are friends. Hugo; hates me. Roxy; coolest person in the entire family. Fred; pretty cool. Molly; annoying/hates me. And Lily.

It wasn't like I'd really be 'meeting' them, so I was down for Sunday brunch at the Burrow, but I didn't want to go as Dom's new boyfriend. I came up with a brilliant plan to go with Al, who was not too happy with me. All summer I had avoided him and spent most of my time at Rose and Hugo's. When Al found out he guessed that Rose and I had a secret relationship, and wouldn't let it go until I finally told him I was seeing someone. I refused to tell him who it was because he wouldn't feel much better about me getting Dom pregnant than he would about me dating Rose or hurting Lily. I think he had early suspicions about Lily and me because it was hard to keep my composure whenever he brought her up in conversation. Whether it was to say how annoying she was or something funny she said, I'd get all nervous and quiet. He didn't know the extent of our relationship, but he knew something was up.

"What's going on with you and Lils?" he'd asked one day. I about died.

"Your sister? I haven't seen her all summer how is she?" I asked. He never told me how she was, and dropped the subject . He definitely knew.

The day of the brunch I got to Potter Manor looking as sharp as good as possible with everything that was going on. When I got there Al and Mr. Potter greeted me while James pretty much ignored me as usual. I completely forgot about Lily until I heard James call for her to come down. I immediately went pale, and all of a sudden the room got extremely hot. She flitted down the stairs gracefully, looking more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. When she saw me I could have sworn I saw her gasp before asking why I was there. Her usual mask of indifference returned and we all piled into the car.

The short little ride to their Grandmother's house was too uncomfortable for words. Not only was Lily practically sitting in my lap, but her dress was showing a lot of thigh. Just as I was remembering how I said thighs felt, her dad made a crack about loving cars. She replied icily, showing that she wasn't as at peace with the situation as she liked to believe. It wasn't much, but it was enough to foster hope that maybe someday the two of us could work things out. Al, however, looked like he wanted to kill me. I wanted to say something to her but she ran out of the car too quickly.

Dinner went pretty smoothly, but on the way home I had a complete meltdown in front of Dominique. She was trying to comfort me and I was trying to let her, but then she told me she loved me and I snapped. She'd obviously never been in love; otherwise she wouldn't have said that. We never brought it up again and were kind of getting along, but we kept fighting about whether or not our daughter's last name should be Malfoy or Weasley. I had no idea why we were even discussing the matter and practically begged her to grant me this one thing out of this whole engagement.

I could tell something bad was going to happen when she got all quiet. She told me that I wasn't the father, and the father was actually Marcello Zabini. Nothing I had ever felt in my life could measure up to what I felt in that moment. I didn't have Lily, I didn't have a daughter, and I didn't even have Dom. I didn't have _anything. _Instead of sitting there and crying, I apparated to the one place I knew I could have something. The Three Broomsticks.

I'm not sure why they served me. Honestly I expected them to send me straight out, but maybe they could tell from my expression that I was having a bad day. Either way, they served me until either I became a nuisance or left on my own. I would not recommend apparating while intoxicated, but somehow I managed to land on the tree outside of Al's window. _Perfect. _I knocked about 5 or 6 thousand times before he came shuffling to the window and opening it.

"Scor, what the hell are you doing out here? You smell like a fucking whore house."

"Oh yeah? Ishh cuz im a whore you fucking arse. Let me in." He helped me into the room and I was immediately drawn to a picture on his dresser of him, his brother, and his sister. My amount of alcohol didn't allow me to keep my mouth shut. "Wheresily?"

"What? Use your big words."

"Where's Lily? I wann talk to her."

"She's not here. Whatever would you and my baby sister have to talk about?" He said smirking.

"Don't fucks wiff me Albus, I know you know about me and Lily. I can tell by the way you don't talk to me anymore. Nobody does. Not Lily, not Dom, not you- only Rose because she doesn't know how to say no. I get it, I fucked up." I blabbed.

"Wait, what? What did you do with Dom? I know you and Lily kissed or something but-" I'm not sure what he was trying to say because I laughed for a good 5 minutes or so.

"Kissed? Is that what she told you? That we fucking kissed? Wow."

"She didn't tell me anything but I guessed because she'd been acting so weird. If you didn't kiss why you two are acting so weird?" he asked.

"We did kiss. A lot. And we fucked. A lot. No not fucked, made love. And I'm sorry, because she's your little sister and you probably hate me but I couldn't help it. I love her so much, you don't even understand. But I told her I didn't because she caught me with Dom and we were going to have a baby, but she told me it's not mine. Now Lily hates me and she'll never love me ever again because of what I did." I said pathetically, sobering quickly when I saw the look on Al's face.

Now, in my head I had just done the most brilliant thing in the world by coming clean, but it would appear I had said something wrong. Al looked furious, but since he had more Harry in him than Ginny, he didn't hit me immediately.

"You…you…what the hell? My sister? And you knocked up my cousin?"

"No! She told me I did, but then I found out she lied. It's really Zabini's."

"How does Lily come into this?" he asked.

"I tried to ask her out but she kept saying no, so I tried harder and harder and then…I don't know, all of a sudden I couldn't stop thinking about her. For some reason she gave me a chance and I took her to the creek to-"

"Damn it, I _know _what the creek is for. I'm the one who told you about it!" he said getting angry. I forgot about that. Al had told me about the creek after he lost his virginity there, and ever since we would take girls to 'seduce' them. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that.

"Well yeah, but that's not why! I just wanted her to feel special, but it was so much more than that. I've loved her every day since but I just couldn't stop "having" other girls. It's a sickness! Anyway, Lily walked in on Dom and me, and from there everything went to shit. I tried to get Lily to move on by telling her I didn't love her but…well you know the rest."

Al took a deep breath before punching me harder than I've ever been hit in my entire life. I deserved it.

"That was for breaking my sister's heart. I don't ever want to see you near my sister or any of my family. Not Roxy or Rose and especially not me. Get out of my house."

So like I said before, I have nothing. No friends, no pride, no hope, and unless I could find a way to smuggle it, no pain relieving fire whiskey . Nothing.

It's going to be a long year.

Yours,

Scorpius


End file.
